At some point in my youth, for a period of time I can’t pinpoint exactly, there was a certain television ad that seemed to play during every commercial break, no matter what it was we were watching. Mercifully ignorant of what they were actually talking about for a while, once I did know what the product being advertised was for it was particularly squirm-inducing while curled up on the sofa watching tv with the new boyfriend who had come over to “hang out.”

In various ridiculously contrived scenes, a daughter would approach her mother to express her concern that she was feeling less than fresh. Miraculously, the mother would extract from behind a bush or some other equally implausible location a package of Massengill disposable douche and the two of them would proceed to have some inane conversation about vinegar. Or something. As one of my dear friends is wont to say, “Who’s the ad wizard who came up with that one?”

Truly, those commercials should be inducted into some sort advertising hall of shame. And now we have a few new contestants who seem to be trying like mad to join the ranks of Massengill and their ad agency. Perhaps not unexpectedly, these ads also deal with certain ablutions to unmentionable nether regions. I’m talking about toilet paper companies and the veritable cavalcade of commercials now dominating our HD programming.

They’ve tried to distract our attention from what it is they’re actually talking about by employing puppies and cartoon bears. Perhaps the general television viewing populace needs this level of kindergarten euphemism to make such presentations palatable. But we all know that bears don’t use toilet paper and what does rubbing some TP on a puppy prove?

Charmin is the worst offender of the bunch. Oh for the days of Mr. Whipple! I don’t know who their agency is but you have to imagine a creative brainstorming session involving a shroom-induced discussion on the old chestnut “Does a bear shit in the woods?” In one ad we had mama bear reminding baby bear to wipe and then, horror of horrors, baby bear walks away with toilet paper bits on his bum. Mama bear giggles and hands him a roll of Charmin Ultra. The day is saved, and the two frolic off perfectly lint free. Variations on the theme have mama bear brushing baby bear’s tuckus with a broom, etc., ad nauseum. Yes the perils of leftover toilet paper bits are varied and numerous.

Speaking of nausea, the latest Charmin ad was called “scatalogically pornographic” by one message board commenter (yes, there are many message boards on which people talk about these Charmin ads – ah, the wonders of the internet, but I digress). In this ad, mama and papa bear are sharing a romantic embrace on the sofa while papa bear croons Barry White-style that “every time is so right and it feels so good.” The punch line is “enjoy the go.” Ew, just ew.

And then there is Quilted Northern, whose latest ad tells us that it’s time to “get real about what happens in the bathroom.” Women around the country are finally standing up, all revolutionary like, to protest their right to be clean that is clearly being violated by inferior rippled brands. We’re told in no uncertain terms that we have to “start talking about what you really want from your toilet paper,” which apparently is “protection for a confident clean.” It sounds like they’re talking about toilet paper terrorists. Puh-leaze.

Setting aside the queasy feeling I have that there’s a feminist argument against the way that both the Massengill and Quilted Northern ads portray women (which I’m not touching with a ten-foot pole or a bathroom brush) the audacity of these new toilet paper commercials leaves me waxing nostalgic for Massengill’s coy innuendo, no matter how ridiculous those ads might have been.

And hey, do you know what toilet paper and the starship Enterprise have in common?